I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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