Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
