this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
