I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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