I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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