It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
