She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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