I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
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It's never too late to be topless.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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