Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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