nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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