And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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