I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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