so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
