New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
