She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
