How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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