Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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