My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
