You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
