You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
