If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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