I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
