She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
