Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
