Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm at about main and main street
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.