omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
