i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
