I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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