I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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