dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
