No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
