Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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