Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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