Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
