my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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