Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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