Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
