i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
