I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
