Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
