His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
