my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
