today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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