Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
