Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
