she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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