Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
