If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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