I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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