I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
