You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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