turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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