my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
