Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
