I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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