the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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