1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
