you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
